Dark clouds gathered in the sky last night, and I reflected the many moods of the world around me with a gray and black ensemble. A cup of coffee couldn’t lift me up, neither could chatting with friends. A hug from the little one fixes the worst things in the world, and so does the smile of the older one.. but there was a little bruise in the heart that wouldn’t go away with my trusty band-aids. I don’t know if it was depression, or the blues, or just the extended nurturing of emotions of an entitled life. It’s been so for the couple of weeks now, and I haven’t been concentrating on things that I should, I am not letting go of things that I should, and I haven’t been moving on or moving forward.
I am pretending that life is at a standstill when it’s not.
I haven’t been studying well, I haven’t been eating right, exercise is the last thing on my mind, I am going on life without focusing on my goals, or my interests. Bed- desserts-coffee, and burning the midnight oil with Carrie Bradshaw- I can’t even watch Ted Mosby anymore. I am supposed to write an article that fired me up so much a month ago- I haven’t written a single line. I am supposed to attend my study group- I lose my interest every now and then, and then regroup to drag myself back to the meetings. I am canceling the lunch dates with my husband for a month now. Not today, not this week.
There is a hole in the heart that will never mend.
Mark was very close to me. We went to Architecture school together. In a classroom full of people for whom architecture was all about graduating, there was this person in the corner occasionally attending the class but understanding the concepts better than those who burned the midnight oil. A couple of weeks ago, when I got that message that he was no more, I wanted it to be a prank. I wanted it to be some other Mark even though I don’t know another Mark. I wanted it to be some celebrity that everyone mourned on Twitter and forgot seven tweets later- not my friend. I didn’t meet him in the past fifteen years, but we have always stayed connected. Marriage, children and our careers took different paths – none of that ever affected us.
He was the happiest person I know. His happiness was contagious.
There is sadness frozen in me beyond my words can express. These incidents will forever change me as a person. Eventually I will regroup my thoughts, learn to express my sorrow and learn to move on. But a part of me will always be broken. A part of me will always be scared to know what future holds for me, or for anyone at all. I can’t hurt publicly for a man that I am not related for more than a certain period of time. It pains, but I can’t show or share the pain. I will probably still spend time looking at the family pictures of Mark- I haven’t removed his contact from my phone, or my social media. Other than look at what he was, and what he could have become, there is no point in it, but it makes me happy to know he was happy- and remember his happy moments.
Will colorful clothes and a bright lipstick heal everything like it happens in the movies? I tried.
I am developing a routine, trying to put my plans on paper so that I can train myself to focus, but it’s been an uphill battle. There are three more ARE exams, and then the California Supplemental. I want to write an article about Women in Architecture in Orange County- I did the ground work, but I never progressed. I haven’t read a single Architalks blog after the news. Last week I gathered courage to commit to the exams- I have all three scheduled for December. It will not be easy, but nothing has been easy in the past few months. There are times in everyone’s life when they feel shipwrecked and alone- this must be mine. Whatever is happening is temporary, must be temporary. I haven’t done much, I want to do so much, and I don’t know if I have the time and energy to do it all. But I want to live in hope, and be an eternal optimist.
BS, SS, BDCS in four to six weeks. May MEEB heal.
People often talk about taking the AREs while planning weddings, being pregnant, and other relatable milestones. Mine have been the weirdest milestones. I dropped the Freshman at High School and went to the Starbucks close by to study. I am dealing with loss of a friend, grieving and taking AREs. My parents visited and children had summer vacation during the last one. We plan my test dates based on my carpool days, and husband’s work related travel so that one of us is still available for parenting duties. Point is, licensure is a long commitment- life goes through different stages during that time financially and emotionally.
I want to go to Sagrada- the state of mind resembles the work in forever progress.